When God's Plan is Greater

Do you feel like you aren’t Enough? That you aren’t Equipped? Are you overwhelmed? Feeling Unsure? Be encouraged as you read Beth’s story of how she is learning to relinquish control and live in the peace only the Lord can provide.

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I’m sure you have heard the phrase “If you want to make God laugh, just tell Him your plans”… Well, rest assure, the Lord above has probably been giggling since I was born. Bear with me as I walk you through my journey…

I’ve always been a planner. Perfectionist. Type A. OCD. The one with the color-coded, tabbed planner (hourly now as well, thanks to Erin Condren’s brilliance). I operate best when I have clear goals, clearly defined expectations of me, and when life goes according to how I have things mapped out. Check, check, check…yeah, God laughs…

As a teenager, I met the guy I just knew I was going to marry. We went to the same high school, the same college and had plans to marry after graduating, where we would enjoy a few years of blissful matrimony before proceeding to have kids before I turned 25. Or not…he met someone else, abruptly breaking my heart and shattering my clearly laid out plans.

My early to mid twenties were marked by graduating from Clemson with a BS in Nursing and trying to enjoy the single life as an independent Mom/Baby nurse, homeowner, and daughter of God. During that time, a sweet friend from a church accepted her first newborn foster placement. I was a night shifter at this time, so I offered to come over one night a week to watch the baby and allow her some much needed sleep! She would talk to me about being a foster mom and adopting her other children from foster care. I honestly just loved snuggling and loving on that little boy!

Fast forward a bit and at 28, I found myself married to a recently divorced man who also had 14 year-old twin boys and a 12 year old daughter. I had always yearned to be a mom and now I got 3 kids off the bat that I adored!!! I was so very naive but we were committed to blending our family and honoring our marriage and prayerfully adding to it.

Blending a family in reality was not at all how blending a family went in my head. In my head, I was a figure of authority and gave some structure that my step-kids could depend on and find stability within. In real life, I was pushy and demanding. Honestly, I wish I had known about trauma and TBRI back then because I/we would have 110% handled situations differently with three kids who had been through a divorce and were blending two new families.

While my step-kids chose to distance themselves from my “Perfectly Blended Family Plan,” I bull-dozed ahead with the “Add To Our Family” plan. I bought the books and the ovulation tests. I charted my temperature and all the things…color coded, of course. We went through the medical “stuff” to make sure husband was good, I was good, counts good, organs good, check, check, check. I remember vividly the doctor saying, “There is no reason why you shouldn’t get pregnant.” Years went by…and adoption was suggested as an alternative…

I was devastated. Once again, I felt all my dreams were shattered. Every plan I seemed to make just never, freaking WORKED. I felt so alone, even with my sweet husband by my side, even with my sweet Savior holding me close. I was just sad and heartbroken and so lost…why wouldn’t God give me children? Why did I have this deep desire that God just wouldn’t fill? Were my step-kids a test run that I miserably failed? Would I really be THAT awful of a mother?

Although I wasn’t a night shift Mom/Baby nurse anymore, I still loved to help my friend periodically with her babies. Eventually, after LOTS of prayer, my husband and I decided to pursue fostering to give kids a safe place. I don’t think either of us felt we would be good at it or that there was hope of adopting, but we had the room, the love and felt the Lord nudging us, so the kids came. First a sweet little girl, then a precious preemie, then a wild, rambunctious little boy…all moved on and our home was empty again.

January 2018, we got a call for a 4 month old boy named Noah. He was in the hospital after being abused by the bio-mom’s ex-boyfriend. He had a traumatic brain injury in the form of a subdural hematoma (from being beaten), severe retinal hemorrhaging (from being shaken), and had seizures during his hospitalization. My husband and I arrived at the hospital and from the moment we laid eyes on him, that was our son laying in the crib.

In keeping with reunification goals, we developed a relationship with his biological mother as DSS searched for the biological father. In October 2018, the biological father and his family came face-to-face with Noah for the first time. It was love at first sight. By this time, Noah had numerous weekly therapies and doctors appointments. His vision had been restored, (praise God!!!) but he was globally delayed and having daily seizures. The biological father and his sweet family seemed overjoyed to meet Noah and remain in contact with us.

On the ride home from the visit, my husband and I held hands and held back tears, believing that this child we loved so dearly would surely be reunited with his father. He had no criminal history and was only absent from Noah’s life because he was unaware Noah was his child. There went my plans…again…I cannot put into words the despair I felt…

Praise God, y’all, PRAISE GOD, His ways are not mine. The Lord, in His sovereignty, fulfilled HIS plan for Noah…and for me. On October 27, 2020, two years after bio-mom and bio-dad relinquished rights and after 1020 days in foster care, the courts finalized that Noah is our son. His bio-father and family are still very much a loving part of his life. His grandmother is actually his aide, so she gets to spend every week participating in therapy, getting kisses and hugs from her grandson, and allowing me to maintain my sanity!

When I compare marrying my high school sweetheart, having children of my own and living that cookie cutter life of perfection to my life now, I have to say that I giggle at my plan, too. If you had told me at 20 years old that the next 18 years would include marrying a man 11 years older than me, inheriting 3 teens as step-kids, struggling with infertility, fostering 6 kids before finally adopting a special needs child, I would have LAUGHED DIRECTLY IN YOUR FACE! Not part of my plan!

But how beautiful and redemptive is God?!?! God took my broken, flawed plan and reworked it for His glory! I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I had married young, my life would have probably never included adoption. If we had had babies of our own, I assure you that no foster children would have entered our home. If the road of my life was smooth and carefree, GOD WOULD RECEIVE NO GLORY!!! It is only by His grace and mercy that He chucks my plans to the side, while gently guiding me down His path…and y’all, it is so sweet. He is so patient with me, and so good to me. I hold my boy and marvel that I get to be his Mama. I see my husband with him and can feel abundant love just radiating from Chris. I pause to think of all the details that God orchestrated to absolute perfection and I just have to bend my knee in thanksgiving, gratitude, and praise.

So, I still don’t have any biological children. I still don’t have a great relationship with my step-kids. My life doesn’t go perfectly according to plan. But God’s plan is far better…And He has taught me that He is trustworthy, He is faithful, He is good and kind and gentle. And y’all, He is Emmanuel, God with us…with us when our plans go to pieces and with us when He allows us to see the pieces comes together. Security and abundant life and joy and purpose are not found in perfect plan but ALL found in HIM. He is the God that loves us dearly and has SUCH prosperous and perfect plans for us, if we only trust and cling to Him…

I’ve found that instead of making God laugh by telling Him my plans, it’s so much sweeter to follow His lead. My plans never have amounted to much anyway because they are flawed and tainted by sin. His plan is for my good, my husband’s good, my son’s good…and that’s no laughing matter! ;)

-Beth

Proverbs 16:9 “A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”