I cringe when I hear or read the commonly used phrase, “foster to adopt,” but that hasn’t always been the case. Once upon a time, we inquired about becoming foster parents with the intent to adopt. When I’m asked about the path the led us to Foster Care, those words and that phrase is what immediately comes to mind.

My husband and I discussed having children before we got married in April 2010. We each have 3 siblings and come from a close-knit family, so building a family together was very important to us both. We never imagined we’d struggle with infertility. After years of failed infertility treatments, we attempted our last and final round of IVF in early 2015. Our last ditch effort resulted in our first and only positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately, we miscarried several weeks later. As you could imagine, we were devastated and overwhelmed with sadness. A few months after our loss, we remained determined to start a family together. We researched private adoption, but that option was not in the cards for us.— At the time, the outrageous cost was a major factor. Despite the emotional roller coaster we were still battling associated with infertility, we inquired about “fostering to adopt” through DSS. We knew very little information, but we ran with the idea and were eager to take the next steps.

We signed up for a day-long orientation with DSS to get more details. During the orientation session, everyone was prompted to share a few things about themselves. We introduced ourselves and expressed our strong desire to “foster to adopt.” As with many families who experience infertility, our hope was to adopt an infant. After the introductions, the DSS representative strongly encouraged us to look into private adoption. She further explained that adoption was indeed possible through foster care, but she made it clear that it was rare to adopt an infant or toddler through DSS. She essentially said that if our primary goal was adoption, then this particular path was not a good option and that we would be set up for failure if we went into fostering with the expectations of adopting a baby. With 22+ years of experience, and though a difficult pill to swallow at the time, it was evident that the instructor was very familiar with the process. Bottom line, there was no sugarcoating during this meeting. She deliberately stressed and highlighted the primary goal of Foster Care, repeatedly saying, “the primary goal of foster care is reunification.”— Perhaps this information is common sense to those who are well-informed regarding the Foster Care System, but when we heard that “fostering to adopt” was a thing, we rolled with it and we didn’t consider the depths of that concept. We were yearning to start our own family and blinded by our own desires. Admittedly, we were still working through our emotions and struggles with infertility. We neglected to fully educate ourselves before prematurely jumping into a new and unfamiliar process. After that orientation class, we left in tears and felt confused, discouraged, and hopeless. In our hearts, we knew we were not were not in a good place. We acknowledged that we needed more time to learn, cope, and heal from the challenges we were facing. We decided to take some time off to travel and to put more focus on our marriage and future together.

Fast forward to a couple years later in late 2017. My husband and I found ourselves becoming complacent and accustomed to living life as “DINKs” (Dual Income, No Kids). We were genuinely happy, but we had moments where we felt something was missing.

We began finding alternative ways to fill the void. I was feeling called and inclined to utilize our abilities and resources in a way that we could positively impact our community. I felt driven to make a difference in someone's life. I began researching and educating myself about ways to give our time and attention to a good and worthy cause. We started volunteering our time. We often shared our ideas and dreams with one another, and it was the idea of Foster Care that kept coming up in conversation. It consistently weighed on my heart. We were both feeling unsure and reluctant to pursue adoption, but we felt strongly compelled to help vulnerable children and those in need. One Sunday morning, during that timeframe, we fell upon an information desk in our church lobby regarding Foster Care and Adoption through DSS. We had gone this route before, but we were now in a much healthier mindset. Once again I inquired, except this time we did our homework regarding the leap of faith we were about to take. We recognized that becoming foster parents would not only allow us to help innocent children, but would also provide an opportunity to give back to the community and be a temporary source of structure, stability and unconditional love for vulnerable children, whether short-term or long-term. What better way to help support families than to walk alongside and support those who have experienced trauma, neglect, abuse and adversity, which presumably led them to their involvement with DSS? We wanted an opportunity to be the bridge between children and their birth parents, and play a critical role in their lives as their birth parent(s) strive to better themselves and complete services in attempts to be reunified with their children. A couple months later, we landed ourselves in the same orientation class with the exact same instructor from nearly 3 years prior. This time, we went into the process feeling much more informed and had an entirely different outlook. On January 24th, 2018 we became licensed foster parents.

On January 26th, just two days after we were officially licensed, we received our very first call from DSS Placement for a 4-day-old baby boy who was born on January 22nd, 2018. On January 29th, our very first foster son came into our home, straight from the NICU. We often accompanied him to weekly visitations with his birth mother and found ourselves in places and situations we never imagined. We got to know his mother and learned about the struggles she had experienced in her lifetime. We discovered that she was adopted. We also met his birth father and spoke to him fairly frequently. We set clear and healthy boundaries upfront and were fortunate to share a safe and amicable relationship as we cared for their child and while they simultaneously made efforts to complete their court-ordered treatment plans. Nearly 1½ years after being in care, our foster son’s birth parents voluntarily relinquished their rights and consented to adoption. And although it was a much more complicated process than I’m portraying, we adopted our son on August 16th, 2019. Ironically, just days before our adoption was finalized, we literally bumped into that very same DSS representative from our initial orientation classes. She had recently retired from DSS and coincidentally accepted a part-time position with the lawyer that we just happened to hire for our adoption. I still get goose bumps when I think of how our story unfolded and the people who have impacted our journey.

Since becoming licensed, we have had 5 foster children in our care and we remain in touch with 4 of the 5 children and still speak to a few of their birth parents. We have been exceptionally fortunate thus far. Sometimes, a little compassion and kindness goes a long way. And sometimes, the birth parents themselves come from a vicious cycle of brokenness. Sometimes these parents simply need someone in their lives who acts as a mentor, someone who they can look up to, someone who will celebrate their accomplishments, someone who encourages them, and someone who truly cares. We know and understand that each case is different and unique. It may not always be safe, or ideal, or in the best interest of the child and/or foster family to connect with the birth parents/family members, but every foster parent has to do what works best for their family.

The process that has led us to becoming foster parents hasn’t always been an easy course, but it’s certainly been a journey worthwhile. The children make it worthwhile. If I’m being real and raw, the system is entirely broken. It’s also messy, it’s ugly, it’s exhausting, it’s challenging, it’s frightening, it’s heartbreaking, it’s overwhelming, it’s draining, it’s frustrating, and it’s altogether complicated. However, it is also extremely rewarding, it’s life-changing, it’s transformative, it’s influential, it’s fulfilling, it’s humbling, and it’s powerful. It can strengthen you and break you at the very same time.

It is clear that our first orientation class back in 2015 had a significant impact on our perspective and the trajectory which led us to where we are today. It was a difficult, yet pivotal moment in our lives. Today, my husband and I both thoroughly understand and appreciate the instructor’s intentions and point of view. It was her job and duty to protect foster children’s lives, their futures and their safety. And most importantly, it was her job to be honest and to promote reunification. She was not concerned about our hearts or feelings, because foster care is not about us. We now know that “fostering to adopt” defeats the purpose and negates the goal of reunification. The Foster Care System is centered around the children in care and the family members involved. It is evident that that adopting a child through foster care happens all the time, as we are living proof (and we will never take that for granted). However, I have learned that becoming a foster parent with the intent to adopt is not a fair or ethical reason to become a foster parent. When at all possible, DSS makes great strides to reunify children with their birth parents. They will search every avenue, high and low, and provide countless resources in order to safely and successfully place the child back with their birth parent(s), a biological family member (kinship), or an emotionally connected friend/person(s) unrelated by birth or marriage (fictive kin).- I try to always keep that in mind. Even though we do not always agree with the plan, I try my best to remember that it is not our responsibility as foster parents to determine the best course of action for our foster child(ren). We can speak up for the child, we can advocate for the child, and we can fight for what we think is best, but we have little to zero power regarding their plan. It is the job and responsibility of the DSS Reps, the Guardian Ad Litem, the Lawyers, and ultimately the Judge to make these detrimental decisions for the child and their future. If you are aware of this information going into the process, you won’t be completely blindsided when a child leaves your home. Will you be an emotional wreck? Will you get attached? Will you be completely heartbroken? Will you question the child’s safety and their well-being? Will you feel empty and drained? Will you think and believe you won’t and can’t accept another placement and put yourself through this agony again? Will you go through all the stages of grief? Will your mind be consumed with thoughts of that child every minute, of every day, for weeks, months, and even throughout your lifespan? The answer to every one of those questions is most likely “yes!” It’s only natural to fall deeply in love and grow attached to the children who come into your home. Or perhaps you won’t have a connection or grow attached? Maybe the child is not a good fit for your family? And that’s okay too. Regardless, if you’re in this for the right reasons, you will and should do everything in your power to provide the best and safest care for that child until he/she can be reunified with his/her family or until the child can transition to a new, permanent placement. We are all human and we have emotions. No matter how much you try to guard your heart, there’s emotions involved that you cannot control. People often say that they could never become a foster parent because they will get too attached. Becoming “too attached” is exactly what these children need and deserve. They need someone to provide unconditional love and support while their family works through their issues. They need you to be that source of stability, structure, hope, safety, and most of all, love. Who else would be the bridge if Foster Parents did not exist? At the end of the day, can you imagine all the feelings and emotions these innocent children are experiencing? Let that sink in. I cannot speak for children who have been in and out of foster care, because I have never walked in their shoes. But, just imagine how traumatic this process must be for them…

Even though we haven’t always been able to make sense of the things happening around us, God has been by our side every step of the way and has been orchestrating this beautiful mess-of-a-life we are living. This process has led us to meeting some of the most amazing and most resilient human beings. It has also led us to our greatest blessing, our greatest joy, and our little piece of heaven on this planet earth… Lucas Sage, our son, our one and only child. He is our reason for doing what we do today and every day. He makes us so proud. We are grateful for this life and for this journey. We can’t predict what God has in store for our future, but we hope and pray that we can touch the lives of the children and families we serve. We wish nothing more than to provide hope for children in our community, their families, other foster and adoptive families, and those who might be experiencing a journey similar to ours.

~Lisa